


From you have I been absent in the spring

by endeavor_to_goodness



Category: Lovely Little Losers, Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Mentions of Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 10:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16195601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endeavor_to_goodness/pseuds/endeavor_to_goodness
Summary: Spring was… fragile.Spring was the friend group putting itself together again. Spring was Hero being stronger than some people had given her credit for (he wasn't surprised). Spring was Bea and Ben finding a totally new way to be insufferable.Spring was filming love songs for other people.----Balthazar's perspective from late NMTD through "FAREWELL".





	From you have I been absent in the spring

**Author's Note:**

> My first-ever fic, because Stanley Balthazar Jones has trapped me in a glass case of emotion. Content warnings & more info in the end notes. Title is from Shakespeare's Sonnet 98.

**Spring**

Spring was… fragile.

Spring was the friend group putting itself together again. Spring was Hero being stronger than some people had given her credit for (he wasn't surprised). Spring was Bea and Ben finding a totally new way to be insufferable.

Spring was filming love songs for other people.

Spring was John still missing for a month, and Pedro frantic and still hurting, perhaps more than anyone else.

Spring was John finally coming home, and Pedro still seeming frayed at the edges. Spring was the doubt that had crept into Pedro's previously unassailable confidence and seemed to be setting up shop to stay.

Spring was Pedro telling him he was finally ready to come out, and it not feeling at all like he'd hoped.

Spring was The Look, and his heart skipping all over the place, and then missed opportunities, and missed gigs.

Spring was the return of Damian.

Spring was feeling unsure, feeling guilty talking to Damian when he was preoccupied with the idea of Pedro, out at last, maybe ready for something new.

Spring was his instincts eventually saying Pedro wouldn't be good for him right now, that he would be better for Pedro as a friend, and he could handle friendship better if he was safely sequestered in a relationship.

Spring was him and Damian getting back together, and being pretty happy, actually. Spring was listening to The Decemberists together, and setting Damian's poetry to music, and buying new clothes.

Spring was finding confidence in losing his virginity. Spring was feeling wanted.

Spring was worrying about Pedro, but trying to believe the front he was putting up.

Spring was exams, and the first goodbyes.

**Summer**

Summer was endings and beginnings all mixed up together.

Summer was a song that wasn't even a love song making him fall in love all over again.

Summer was the new guilty feeling when Damian looked at him, or touched him, or said his name.

Summer was too hot, and too bright, and too much time alone, and too much time with other people.

Summer was two texts from two boys he loved on Christmas morning.

Summer was New Year's, and Ben asking if he wanted to move to Wellington with them. Summer was the surge of giddy hope that made him say yes. Summer was his and Pedro's drunken conversation later that night, when Pedro looked him straight in the eye and said "I miss you." Summer was his too-honest reply, "I miss you, too."

Summer was writing a cheesy song about it.

Summer was breaking up with Damian, and the quiet conversations that were worse than fights. Summer was knowing he was the bad guy, but being so relieved anyway.

Summer was the family reunion, the hustle and bustle of so many Joneses and not-Joneses. Summer was the familiar comfort of family. Summer was the familiar discomfort of family.

Summer was applying to university at the last minute, and packing, packing, packing.

Summer was Pedro becoming Peter.

Summer was moving down to Wellington, a mess of excitement, nostalgia, fear, hope.

Summer was being alone with Peter for 8 hours while Bea and Ben drove the other car. Summer was Peter's expression, impossible to read behind sunglasses and an unnecessary degree of focus on the road ahead.

Summer was meeting Freddie Kingston, and seeing immediately why she and Ben were such good friends. Summer was so many steps up the hill, an echo of the walk to Messina High.

Summer was the flash of concern when Peter went out two nights in a row their first weekend in Wellington.

Summer was filming in the bath for hours, the warmth of Peter next to him, the suppressed excitement of being able to flirt again, the tentative hope that maybe this could actually go somewhere this time.

Summer was going out with Peter, seeing possibilities in dark rooms and loud music. Summer was those possibilities crumbling away with each shot that Peter took.

Summer was the first time that Peter brought someone home, the quiet thump of the front door and suppressed giggles as they made their way to Peter's room.

Summer was the beginning of school, with hordes of new faces, new classes, new everything. Summer was the terror that he wouldn’t be smart enough here, that he'd come on a whim and hadn't thought it through.

Summer was missing his friends, his old life, his old confidence.

**Autumn**

Autumn was hell.

Autumn was feeling lost, and alone, and behind.

Autumn was not being able to turn acquaintanceships into friendships no matter how hard he tried.

Autumn was watching Peter self-destruct and trying to stop the detonation with his bare hands.

Autumn was sometimes going an entire day without speaking to anyone.

Autumn was shutting the door when Freddie was yelling.

Autumn was his room, his room, his room.

Autumn was picking up the pieces when Bea forgot to answer on Skype one night.

Autumn was doing other people's chores.

Autumn was Peter drunkenly trying to kiss him as he helped him to his bed. Autumn was crying afterwards.

Autumn was finding a job, which at least gave him something to do.

Autumn was too much time in the flat alone with Ben.

Autumn was bailing on concerts because he couldn't muster up the energy.

Autumn was Peter on a good day, smiling at him and touching his arm, his knee. Autumn was the way his nerves still lit up at those touches.

Autumn was forgetting to eat sometimes.

Autumn was forgetting to sleep sometimes.

Autumn was missing the way things used to be so much he could barely breathe.

Autumn was finding Peter passed out in the bathroom and feeling true, absolute panic for the first time.

Autumn was finally working himself up to attend an open mic, and meeting a wonderful person named Paige.

Autumn was writing and walking and writing and walking.

Autumn was avoiding Skyping Rosa because she would inevitably see through the thin veneer of "okay".

Autumn was Peter deliberately walking shirtless to and from the shower when he's the only other person home.

Autumn was going out with the flat and feeling the flashing lights inside his brain and hating every second of it.

Autumn was spending so much time at Boyet's during exams that the barista introduces himself.

Autumn was trying to start over, joining a study group right before exams.

Autumn was getting perfect marks, and telling himself it was worth it.

**Winter**

Winter was complicated.

Winter was home for the mid-year holiday, truly relaxing for the first time in months.

Winter was driving back to Wellington with Peter, how dead the silence felt.

Winter was Ben vlogging again, and seeming cheerier for it.

Winter was using a newly-forming friendship as a screen to get the others off his back about Peter.

Winter was finding the camera in his laundry, in the fridge, hidden behind one of his ukuleles.

Winter was Peter still absent in every way.

Winter was Peter's hookups awkwardly leaving in the morning.

Winter was Ben putting the whole stupid (non)story of him and Peter online for the whole internet to see. Winter was Freddie calling him "Little Stanley".

Winter was finally posting that song he'd recorded ages ago.

Winter was Rosa coming back, and not being able to hide from her anymore.

Winter was Paige writing a song for him.

Winter was finally setting up an appointment at the student counseling center like Paige had told him to. Winter was trying to do the things the counselor recommended.

Winter was going out with the flat again. Winter was confronting Peter, and skirting so close to saying too much, but somehow still not saying enough.

Winter was the beginning of the Rules.

Winter was Hero's birthday. Winter was going joint on a card with Peter, to make sure it didn't have any apologies in it.

Winter was Ben's hummus.

Winter was laughing together for the first time in ages, even if it was over something as stupid as milk on Ben's forehead.

Winter was worrying a little bit less.

Winter was going to class, and going to work, but taking a break in between.

Winter was movies with Kit, and open mics with Paige, and meeting new people in a good way.

Winter was "I would rather spend one lifetime with you".

**Spring, again**

Spring was overwhelming.

Spring was Peter making eye contact again. Spring was Peter around the flat, companionable. Spring was Peter muttering in iambic pentameter over his morning coffee. Spring was Peter asking him to walk home together. Spring was Peter holding onto his hand a touch too long as they bowed for the camera. Spring was Peter smiling. Spring was Peter.

Spring was whatever was going on between Peter and Jaquie.

Spring was feeling terrified, then feeling brave, then feeling devastated.

Spring was singing about the ocean.

Spring was retreating again.

Spring was Bea and Meg and too many people sometimes.

Spring was singing with Peter, and wondering if he wore blue on purpose. Spring was hope, quickly dashed again. Spring was protecting himself.

Spring was FUCK BEN.

Spring was Rosa trying to help.

Spring was John, unexpectedly welcome.

Spring was turning nineteen, and feeling a little bit loved.

Spring was his friends doing something for him for once. Spring was Kit choosing good music for his party. Spring was trying to ignore the return of Peter's drinking. Spring was Vegan Fred running his hand through his hair. Spring was flirting without baggage.

Spring was deciding to actually try something casual, just once. Spring was remembering the simple joy of feeling wanted.

Spring was the sinking feeling of Peter drinking himself sick again.

Spring was recording a song with Kit, reclaiming the act of singing on camera.

Spring was getting really fucking fed up.

Spring was putting himself out there for the last goddamn time. Spring was Peter rejecting him, again.

Spring was following Kit out the door.

Spring was not answering his phone for once.

Spring was being a guest. Spring was the way Vegan Fred looked at him, and the way it made him feel both guilty and not.

Spring was attending classes from the wrong address.

Spring was staying out past ten.

Spring was shoving his worry about Peter and the others away.

Spring was delicious brownies.

Spring was not saying anything while Bea and Meg talked and talked about the others.

Spring was a sonnet.

Spring was not being able to think about anything else.

Spring was Peter in person. Spring was "I love you".

Spring was coming home in every way.

Spring was explanations and apologies and touching and the best silence.

Spring was Hero and terrible news. Spring was trying to face it as a team.

Spring was seeing what love could do.

**Author's Note:**

> Content warnings: Alcohol abuse; mentions of sex; implied mental health struggle/potential mental illness.
> 
> I have a problem where sometimes I have a sort of photographic memory for phrases, but I don't remember where they're from (I realize like this sounds like a ridiculous excuse for potential plagiarism, but it's the best way I can explain it). I've been inhaling all the Pedrazar fic I can get lately, so if I accidentally lifted a phrase or image from an existing fic, please let me know; no theft intended.
> 
> I can also be found at endeavor-to-goodness.tumblr.com.
> 
> ETA: I suspect the repeated "*season* was" motif was inspired by "none at all" by cynical_optimist (https://archiveofourown.org/works/4976899), which is great and you should read


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